Pelosi Didn't Know - Reid Didn't Read

One of our local State Assemblymen posted this on Facebook today as a "reminder" for those that need a refresher course in government and I laughed my butt off! Perhaps those in Washington DC too need to re-watch. I REMEMBER THIS...DON'T YOU?

Bailout

Click on cartoon to make large enough to read :)

Friends You Don't Shoot

I think we've all heard the old saying about how folks come into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime. Well...it's the lifetime friends you don't shoot :) Sometimes, you've only known these folks for a few years...but you know...they'll be there a lifetime, thus protected from any bullets :) These lifetime friends have a fade to them in your mind's eye...because they fade somehow from the friendship category into the family category and you hardly noticed the transition whenever that happened. These friends are protected from bullets because you love them so much, they are the ONLY people allowed to give you huge shit and live through it. Who says nobody is spending money? Who says the economy is flatter than a pancake? Conservatives spend money; in fact...they waste good money in order to tell those they love so much just how special they are :) We went to dinner tonight with our friend Ray. Now Ray is a few years older than I (had to throw that in..."Pops"), but age between lifetime friends doesn't matter. He's really a better friend to my husband, that's how we met. We don't see Ray often, but keep in touch with electronics and technology. Imagine my surprise though tonight at dinner when Ray presented me with a beautiful little present...one of those kind that makes a woman giggle...you know the perfect sized little box :) JEWELERY!!! Well, I opened my little special box (nice gold box with sparkly engraving that said "Plumb Gold Piercing Pagoda" on it) that was wrapped so perfectly. Inside was bright tissue paper folded around something small and wonderful :) I began to open my present in front of all...(remember Ray & I are lifetime friends now...we are like minded and see eye to eye on everything...he and my husband too)... With held breath I open my gift...and what is inside? OH...NO...HELL NO...yep...it was this... Somehow in a nice restaurant, only this one word could slip from my tongue... "Fucker!"... followed by many laughs and more great conversation. Only a true Conservative could get away with giving another fellow Conservative this special gift and not get shot :) Love ya Ray!

Breaking Business News - INVEST NOW!

With all the turmoil in the market today; with all the failures, acquisitions, bail outs, and lay offs... I thought you could use some good investment tips :) Look for these mergers soon to come and invest now so you can get in on the ground floor of the new economy. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace, Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa Fed-Ex is expected to join its rival and competitor UPS and become: Fed-UP Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW Last but not least...Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name of: Titty Titty Bang Bang Invest now and invest wisely :)

Night Before Elections

Twas the night before elections And all through the town Tempers were flaring Emotions all up and down! I, in my bathrobe With a cat in my lap Had cut off the TV Tired of political crap. When all of a sudden There arose such a noise I peered out of my window Saw Obama and his boys They had come for my wallet They wanted my pay To give to the others Who had not worked a day! He snatched up my money And quick as a wink Jumped back on his bandwagon As I gagged from the stink He then rallied his henchmen Who were pulling his cart I could tell they were out To tear my country apart! " On Fannie, on Freddie, On Biden and Ayers! On Acorn, On Pelosi" He screamed at the pairs! They took off for his cause And as he flew out of sight I heard him laugh at the nation Who wouldn't stand up and fight! So I leave you to think On this one final note- IF YOU DON'T WANT SOCIALISM GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!

Obama Will Lose - It's ALL MY FAULT!

Oh Lordy...gotta love your friends...the ones that REALLY love you back I mean :) It's also quite SPOOKY what can be done on the internet these days with a few key strokes! My Lord...who could know what truth is anymore? I called my friend immediately to make sure it was him...as I only have one Richard friend. He fessed up and we laughed A LOT! I thought for a minute I had been stalked by the Obamanots! Check it out, then make your own for your friends...the one's you really LOVE :) THANK GOD I already cast my vote, and if McCain wins by just one vote I CAN ONLY HOPE IT WAS MINE THAT MADE IT HAPPEN :) (even though these folks want you to vote for Obama).

Pole In The Hole Race

Who says we rednecks don't know how to have some crazy fun :) This is FUNNY with a bit of adult humor inferred, and YES...ALL PUNS ARE INTENDED!

Spread The Wealth - A Big Red Flag

Trick or Treat

Tricks & Treats

From: TRICKS & TREATS at NetRight Daily...

Reporter Swallows A Fly

I didn't realize a fly could instantly change a man's personality!

My Worst Nightmare

In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised! Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license photo and it was that same color. Black. I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!! That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!! I said to myself, aloud “This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled.” “It's the pure and holy truth”, whispers someone from behind me. I turn around, and it's my boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend. Oh, my Gosh..... black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, and HIV-positive!!! Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and Oh, noooooo...I'm bald!!! The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, “Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap... Any job.” Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan! I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan. But he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker? Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood. At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'Sweetiepie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going to vote for in the Primary? Hillary or Obama??? Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God, please, please, please, please don't tell me I'm a DEMOCRAT.........!!!!! (Author Unknown)

Results of Hilary's Health Care & Affirmative Action

Thanks to my readers that send me funny stuff :) THE NEXT GENERATION? My name be Eboneesha Li Herenandez, an African Hispanic Asiatic-American Girl who just got an award for being the best speler in class. I got 67% on the speling test and 30 points for being black, 5 points for not bringing drugs into class, 5 points for not bringing guns into class, and 5 points for not getting Pregnut during the cemester. It be hard to beat a score of 120%.. The white dude who sit next to me is McGee from Ocala He got A 94% on the test but no extra points on account of he have the same Skin color as the opressirs of 150 years ago. Granny ax me to thank all Dimocrafts and Liberals for suporting Afermative action. You be showing da way to true equality. I be gittin in medical skool nex an mabe I be yo doctor when Hillory take over da healtcare in dis cuntry.

Stereotypical View of USA - Funny

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Mama Said - DON'T TAKE Candy From Strangers!!

I LOVE the few young people that "keep me in the loop". I'm tired, and have been so busy I've neglected my favorite hobby the blog this week, but one of my employee's daughters keeps me on her e-mail list (Thank You Renee), and gave me the inspiration for a quick post on my way to bed. I laughed my butt off at this, and thought of my dear Mama Ann that reigned my life with an iron fist when young, but did teach me about " NO Candy From Strangers". I think all of us know how we teach children about the dangers of true strangers. However, I grew up in a small West Texas town on a cotton farm. NO STRANGERS would ever find my house unless they were invited with explicit directions. But, thank goodness my Mama Ann DID teach me to watch out. Do any of you know what "Spree" candies are??? They are basically a bit bigger, and more colorful with a shiny candy coating, and are the "high end" greater version of Sweet Tarts. Well, in my West Texas town, when I was in high school and an "A" student...my mother found Sprees in my purse, and I SHIT YOU NOT...she took them and gave them to the local pharmacist at our local drug store... that would be Rick... and asked him to analyze the "drugs" in her daughter's purse! When she found out it was actually CANDY... and she was WRONG... it was priceless. But...I can't post this, and not admit that occasionally on more minor things like exceeding my allowed mileage on my car, and sneaking a phone call or two to boys, or even some more major things in life she WAS right about...I HAVE been guilty a time or two...REALLY GUILTY... BUT...I NEVER TOOK CANDY FROM STRANGERS... But...when YOUR MOM TOLD YOU NOT TO TAKE CANDY FROM STRANGERS... SHE MEANT THIS GUY... Just curious...as an 'old fart...is this the visual aid and true meaning of San Francisco Values??? Let me know, 'cause I think it is...and while I'd give this guy a kudo at a talent show for balls, I WOULDN'T VOTE FOR this being OK on a daily basis driving down the street. He's FUNNY, and he's obviously GAY... who cares? But, he should save this kind of gayness for at home with his partner. Same way that I like to fly the Confederate Flag as a symbol of sheer Southern heritage and history...doesn't mean anything, but THAT, and I like the design... But I GUARANTEE YOU, if HE and I were walking down the same street...and he was the gumball machine guy, and I was the redneck chick waving a Confederate flag girl...I'd get the shit, and he'd be OK. Thanks again to those that send me funny stuff that reminds me of memories, whether or not my crazy memories meet with what the "norm" expects or not. To those of you that are of my age...laugh with the young, they will set the policies and standards we will live by later. It's fun to laugh...DON'T TAKE CANDY FROM STRANGERS!

But MOM! - EVERYBODY Else Has One!

Remember all the times through the years your kids BEGGED you to buy them this or that...it was always too expensive...or they didn't really need it...but ON AND ON THEY BEGGED. Every child always has the same excuse, "But Mom! EVERYBODY else has one...if you don't get me one, I'll be the only kid at school that doesn't have one!" The last item like this for me was the I-POD. Well...crap...it appears they were right! Looks like EVERYBODY (but me) DOES have an I-POD!

Monday Mailgasms

Daily, we are all bombarded with useless junk e-mail in our in boxes. Most of the several hundred pieces of wasteful tripe are advertisements for larger sex organs, Viagra, or Cialis. Many others are credit card opportunities and scam offers to get rich quick. However, there are some so bizarre, that you have to laugh when reading the subject lines. Monday Mailgasms are the favorites I pick out throughout the week, and comment on. I print them as they come, bad spelling, no capital letters, etc. Since none of us open this garbage, one can only imagine what the content might have been. This week’s winners are… (BY THE WAY…My comments usually suck :) If you can think of a funnier possibility for the subject caption, PLEASE COMMENT YOURSELF…WE COULD ALL USE THE LAUGH! SUBJECT: / COMMENT: He irreproachable herself voltmeter: This could go two ways. Poor guy…he’s so ugly and so bad in bed…she’s inserted a voltmeter to gauge the excitement level. I wonder which reading gives him the OK to proceed? taciturn: Oh, this person must know the woman in #1. Taciturn means someone that’s been temperamentally disinclined to talk. It must be in the air… typographer more budapest: No thank you…don’t need a job badly enough to work in Budapest! fluster microscopic: Somebody else needs a voltmeter! And hotchkiss from lazbuddie: If the game of hotchkiss is anything like hotch-scotch, a lazy buddy wouldn’t be fun to play with. That takes energy and coordination. on the cheek from an innocent boy: Sounds like part of a court transcript at Michael Jackson’s trial! (UGGHHH!) pereshel polem: Not another stranded polar bear! glitzy cunning: Sanjaya…Dude…I heard on the news today that Brittney Spears wants to do an album with you, she says the two of you could make “beautiful music” together… DON’T DO IT…RUN…your career hasn’t even started yet…you’ve had enough bad publicity through American Idol. The last thing you need is Ms. Spears.

Monday Mailgasms

Monday Mailgasms are the useless e-mails that show up in the “Junk Mail Box” each week that are the useless things you never open and have nothing to do with the normal Viagra, Cialis, and Dating Site trash we are normally bombarded with. Some of the subject lines are so odd, they deserve comment…and…since they are never opened, you never know what they REALLY were about. Below is this week’s Monday Mailgasm winners, and commentary thereof. SUBJECT: / COMMENT: funnel tennis: I think this would be a hopeless sport, as tennis balls will not fit through funnels… bimolecular greater gargle: Could this be the generic, or scientific name for Listerine? Or, maybe they want us to know that a gargle with two molecules is always better than one :) We will solve your problems for you: BOY! Maybe I should have opened this one. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a web site that you could go to, and within a click or two have all your problems solved. Nice thought… columbo experts: Isn’t Peter Falk retired? Columbo was cancelled in 1978, 29 years ago. They still have Columbo experts? asteroid alter: This sounds like one of those nutty marriage chapels in Vegas where you can get married by “Elvis”. Perhaps at asteroid alter you can have groomsmen and bridesmaids that look like aliens with weird shaped heads and strange clothing. The bar will be stocked with fizzing blue and green drinks, and Jean Luc Picard will perform the ceremony.

Monday Mailgasms

Regular readers know that Monday Mailgasms are the tidbits of useless tripe that falls into your "junk box" each week through e-mail. This is the stuff beyond all the Viagra and Cialis crap, and just stuff that you just cannot make up. Since we never actually read them, they could be about anything...we all just imagine what something so worthless could make so many take the time to even type it. Monday Mailgasms go like this...I provide the subject of the crap e-mail, and comment on it...complete with misspellings and all :) Here's this week's JUNK winners... Subject: Comment As bevier this ridiculous: Yes…while “bevier” is NOT a word, I do agree that the MASSIVE amount of spam e-mail I get on a daily basis constitutes a “bevy” of ridiculous junk. calorie copy machine: NO,…I want my calories as far away from ANYTHING that can COPY them as possible :) Endometriosis – take an active role: No thank you…I would like to stay as far away from endometriosis as I do copied calories :) Commodity dilatation: Yes…ALL OF MY COMMODITIES have been expanded and stretched beyond normal capacity. My gas is too high, too many illegal immigrants crowd my streets that my tax dollars pay for, bleeding heart liberals are stretching my patience beyond belief with their whining and uncooperative selfish vengeances, and on and on…(maybe I should have read this one…to see how the sender has been "dilatated"…) by rain smythe Make: Unsure on this one…”smythe” is a last name Smythe. If this is the case, I assume someone copulated in the rain to Make “Baby Smythe” and the making deserved a capital M. Next in line would be scythe, which is a tool used to cut or mow grass, which cannot be accomplished in the rain, as wet grass does not cut. Therefore,…this sender was wrong on either level…off to the trash you go. bog less lacquer: Someone thought they could cover a bog with lacquer? Oxymoron, please do not send me any more junk mail… birthright kaleidoscope: I am fairly certain this is the “politically correct” description of “Who’s The Baby-Daddy” of Dannilynn Smith… stove brontosaurus: Barney has a new cooking show?...all dishes purple of course :) spangle unintelligible: The definition of people my age (44) having NO CLUE why persons of “modern expression” (usually age 18-25) have so much unintelligible spangle stuck through their lips, tongues, noses, and eyebrows. Clue: NO SPANGLE – VERY intelligible – AND MORE SUCCESSFUL… her he cubage: “Dude”, she thinks you are a SQUARE…LOSE HER NUMBER!...she obviously LOST YOURS…

Monday Mailgasms

Monday Mailgasms: This week’s worthless subject matter from those not invited to the In-Box :) Subject: / Comment Catnap effectively: - Now here’s a guy that works by the hour not by the job. Don’t send me your resume! Spongy or invasion: - Sounds like one of the Looney Toons might have to obtain a restraining order on Sponge Bob Square Pants… Anecdote afterlife: - Isn’t this an oxymoron? I thought the anecdote would keep you alive and away from the afterlife for a bit! Ranking olive oil: - I never knew the oils were competing publicly… I think I have Bertolli’s & Star olive oil in my pantry – Do they rank? Bacchus gingerbread: - Bacchus was the Greek God of Wine – EEWWW…wine and gingerbread cookies don’t sound like a good combination… And before lebam: - Maybe Lebam is an illegitimate from years ago. I suppose it’s possible…before Lebam…Abraham begat Isaac, Isaac begat Jacob, and Jacob begat Judas………….